That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
