Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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