On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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