3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
