I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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