I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
My vagina is officially offended.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
