I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
