did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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