He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
