There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
