Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You may now shotgun with the bride
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Text me some of your sweat
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
