Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
