I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
