just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
