I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
