Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
