My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Holy sore nipples Batman
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize