after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize