Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
