i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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