I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
