Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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