someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
