When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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