the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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