Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
