Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
