man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Randomize
