I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
