I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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