My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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