What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
