halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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