he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
