He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
