my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
