he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
