you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
