I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
