I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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