i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
