Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
