nut hugger
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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