I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
