I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
