Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
