Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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