alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
