Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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