I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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