not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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