Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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