He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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