I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Someone shit on the floor
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
