I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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