You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize