I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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