oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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