Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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