I accidentally had phone sex last night
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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