I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
