Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
