moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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