yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
it's like heaven, but drunker
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
