u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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