My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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