so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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