Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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