I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
