Your face is a jimmy john
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
