Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
