thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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