Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
