THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
