thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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